


almost paradise

by better_times_are_coming



Series: things i never told you [3]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Bittersweet, Heavy Angst, M/M, Non AU, Overstimulation, Smut, idolverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-16 21:36:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19326571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/better_times_are_coming/pseuds/better_times_are_coming
Summary: You really want to do thisforever, don't you?





	almost paradise

_Almost paradise_

_Warmer than the sun_

_Your eyes as they look at me_

_I feel like I have everything in the world_

**(Almost paradise - T-max)**

  


 

“ _Ah_.”

Seungcheol’s strokes got quicker, messier, more urgent, his mouth pressing kisses all over Jeonghan’s neck.

Jeonghan tilted his head to give him more room.

They weren’t the only members in the dorm, and the others were just a few rooms away, playing, eating, sleeping.

It only added to the thrill.

Jeonghan bit his lower lip, knowing that the music coming from Seungcheol’s phone wasn’t loud enough to abate his moans.  

“Shh.” Seungcheol whispered, _ordered_ and Jeonghan felt his dick stir in his sweatpants at the action.

Jeonghan was on top, he always was, but Seungcheol still showed his dominance, in the urgent way he pulled him close, as if he wanted to mark his fingertips on his waist, as if Jeonghan’d vanish otherwise.

One arm tight around his waist and the other one stroking just between his legs, and Jeonghan _knew_ that Seungcheol was waiting to hear him beg to take the sweatpants off.

[Jeonghan hadn’t, but Seungcheol still would give him what he wanted anyway]

Jeonghan didn’t exactly remember how they had ended up like this.

In one moment they were stealing glances at each other in the restaurant they had gone to, and then Jeonghan had leisurely followed him to his room.

Locking the door behind him.

It couldn’t have been more than a minute, and then Seungcheol was lying on his back, Jeonghan straddling his hips.

It had all escalated from there.

Seungcheol’s fingers pressed against the rising bulge on his pants, then he moved the heel of his palm up and down, causing a hiss to leave Jeonghan’s lips.

His cheeks were burning, breath stuttering in his chest, and he could barely hold up his own weight anymore.

Enough, enough, _enough_.

“Off,” Jeonghan pleaded, hips moving in tandem with Seungcheol’s strokes. The heat was too much, he needed more, closer, warmer, quicker. “Get them- _ah_ , off.”

“Say please,” Seungcheol teased, panting as if he was the one being touched.

Jeonghan pursed his lips, reaching out to pinch one of Seungcheol’s nipples over his t-shirt.

“Ow, okay, _okay_.” He replied, tapping on his hip so he’d lift them, giving him enough space to sit and rest his back against the headboard.

[ _I'_ _m yours_ by Jason Mraz started playing]

Things went quicker after that, Jeonghan was getting impatient and as soon as he had pulled down both his sweatpants and boxers, Seungcheol’s warm hand wrapped around his erection. 

_bliss, warmer, perfect_

Jeonghan moaned, the broken sound reverberating in the room.

_there's no need to complicate_

Seungcheol gently traced his jaw and pulled him down to a kiss.

It’s not like he could respond to it, but he didn’t care, he was so close-

_our time is short_

“Cheol _, please_.”

_this is our fate, I'm yours_

One, two.

Just two strokes more, that was all that he needed and then he was coming, shaking in Seungcheol’s hold, arm wrapping around his shoulders to support himself as well.

Jeonghan leaned in, forehead resting on Seungcheol’s shoulder as he caught his breath.

He waited a second to gather himself and Seungcheol slowly let go of him, instead placing both of his hands on his hips and pulling him down.

_hard_

Jeonghan moaned again, overly aware of Seungcheol’s clothed erection pressing against his bare thigh.

What to do now.

Seungcheol was sweating, hips moving back and forth in a desperate motion, trying to grind against Jeonghan.

Jeonghan was still breathing heavily, warm puffs of air hitting Seungcheol’s face.

He thought he looked gorgeous like this.

But he didn’t move, didn’t do anything to reciprocate.

Not yet.

Seungcheol bit on his lower lip, breath stuttering in his throat as he tried to press Jeonghan a little more closer to him.

He looked _undone_ and Jeonghan was sure that no one, _no one_ , had ever seen him like this.

It turned the temperature up a notch all over again.

Even though Jeonghan had just come, he still wanted _more_.

How far would Seungcheol go for him?

He knew, he thought he knew, but the selfish part of him still wasn’t satisfied.

[ _Love less_ by some artist started playing]

_i know all you wanted was affection_

Jeonghan was smitten, the first tendrils of sleep already starting to cloud his mind when he focused on Seungcheol’s irregular breathing and desperate expression.

He might pass out, just from how tired he was, how his exhausted body naturally brought him back to Seungcheol.

He waited just five more seconds and then he gave in.

Giving Seungcheol what he wanted.

It took only a few strokes for Seungcheol to come, inside his pants.

He was silent, mouth slack against Jeonghan’s.

And Jeonghan closed his eyes, trying to commit this moment to memory.

The music, Seungcheol’s touch, this _warmth_ , this want.

English might not be his forte, but he tried to listen, to register the words, and this song was definitely one of Seungcheol’s favorite ones.

_something i could never do_

He just looked down on him, eyes drinking the sight.

Seungcheol’s face was red all over, sweaty fringe sticking to his forehead, and Jeonghan thought he might wreck him.

Just a bit more, just because Seungcheol would let him.

 _Especially_ because Seungcheol would let him.

There were so many things that Jeonghan could do, just because Seungcheol would say yes right away and that thought-

“ _Jeonghan_ ,” Seungcheol whimpered, a hand clasping on Jeonghan’s wrist as his slick finger tentatively pressed against his rim.

It was awkward in this position, but Seungcheol still lifted his hips, even though his expression looked scandalized.

 _what are you doing_ he asked himself.

Jeonghan leaned in, pressed a soothing kiss against Seungcheol’s warm cheek and pushed a little more.

This time, Seungcheol’s hips properly raised from the bed, back arching and Seungcheol’s eyes fluttered closed, his pretty eyelashes highlighting his desperate expression.

Ah, he looked nice.

He slowly pushed in and out, the muscle tensing against the intrusion, and Seungcheol let another broken moan, tightening the hold on Jeonghan’s wrist.

A warning.

Jeonghan and Seungcheol exchanged a heated look, warm breath hitting each other's lips as they were _so_ close.

A challenge.

They had shared a bed as Seungcheol was feverish, but Jeonghan didn’t remember feeling _that_ hot back then.

It was always a challenge between them.

[Both of them hated to lose, that’s why they always fought and made up and fought and made up]

 _Maybe_ , Jeonghan’s mind provided _, one of us should try winning instead of not losing_.

Seungcheol grabbed the back of Jeonghan’s neck and pulled him to a kiss.

(Just then Jeonghan pulled out his hand from Seungcheol’s pants)

The chorus of the song started again and Jeonghan started registering the words again, as he got lost on Seungcheol’s warmth.

As he tried to forget everything else.

Seungcheol was there for him, would always be.

Jeonghan bit on Seungcheol’s bottom lip, _hard_ , and the leader pinched whatever skin he could reach in warning (Jeonghan’s stomach), his hands quickly holding the back of Jeonghan’s thighs to pull him right into his hips.

He grinded against his open legs.

(Jeonghan was sure that the sound that left his lips was not masked by the music this time).

_what if i love less_

They both pulled back, catching some air and they stared at each other, and Jeonghan faintly wondered if maybe Seungcheol was focusing on the song lyrics.

If he was just as confused as Jeonghan was, just as heartbroken, or afraid.

Just as the line _i won’t hurt you babe_ started, Jeonghan leaned in again, capturing Seungcheol’s chapped lips in another kiss.

*

They hadn’t done this just once.

It had been quite a few times.

Once in the shower after they arrived at Haneda airport, twice before the hectic Okinawa trip would begin.

(One time in Seoul, back in their dorm).

The first time they had done it, it had been in Seungcheol’s bedroom.

The members had gone out to eat, and they had been graced with an empty dorm.

Seungcheol’s fingers played with the back of his hair, gently caressing the loose silver strands.

Jeonghan started to doze off.

“Your hair’s getting long again.”

That was true, the members knew it, the staff knew it, the _fans_ knew it (and loved it).

Jeonghan only hummed in response, Seungcheol’s deep voice effectively lulling him to sleep.

Eventually, he’d have to go back to his own room.

He’d have to go back to an empty bed.

If he was being real with all of this.

How much longer could they keep this up?

Without the members or the managers and staff finding out.

“Remember your last ment?” He asked softly, words slurring against Seungcheol’s pillow.

Seungcheol didn’t reply, just made a small noise as he turned, shifting to properly spoon Jeonghan.

Legs tangled together, arms circled around his stomach, hot breath against his nape.

They weren’t facing each other like the last time they spent a whole night together.

But somehow it felt more intimate now.

There was something in the way Seungcheol held him, and Jeonghan might be noticing it just now.

He was affectionate.

Had always been.

With or without cameras, it didn’t matter.

Seungcheol loved to show physical affection, hugs, kisses, pats on the back, everything came natural to him.

So why was Jeonghan taken aback _now_?

How different this was?

What did this _mean_?

[Basically he had a few hints. they had been getting each other off, and of course not in the name of friendship]

Then why was Jeonghan still as clueless as before?

Why didn’t this _change_ anything?

How could they just _do_ this?

And for how long?

How long would this illusion last?

_the title is happy ending, but there’s no ending for us_

The relationship with their fans. All of them as a team.

Them.

Jeonghan and Seungcheol.

“You really want to do this forever, don’t you?” He asked, because asking the leader that had been his intention from the beginning.

Forever was a long time and Jeonghan was a practical man.

[A sentimental one, yes, that too, but practical above everything]

Forever.

Seventeen and Carats.

Seventeen.

Jeonghan _and_ Seungcheol.

Jeonghan’s heart skipped a beat, feeling called out, even though Seungcheol hadn’t said anything to him.

Even though Seungcheol had no idea what was going through his mind.

“Forever.” Seungcheol replied, and even though Jeonghan had been expecting a reply like that, he was still taken aback by how honest Seungcheol sounded.

How sure of himself.

As if he had control over everything, as if he _knew_ , as if just by believing in something, it’d be true.

Jeonghan was both appalled and amazed by him.

Forever was impossible, forever was an illusion, a long time, _yes_ , sure.

But forever…

Seungcheol took a deep breath, and Jeonghan was awfully aware of how close they were.

Naked warm skin, contact all over, wandering hands, soft caresses.

They were only wearing their boxers, but still.

Jeonghan didn’t know if he knew what the word _intimacy_ meant, until he got to this point in his life.  

“And you?”

_i don’t know, maybe, i’d like to but i’m scared, what if i don’t want to anymore, will you still love me if i don’t, will you-_

“Yeah.” Jeonghan said, hiding in Seungcheol’s chest so he wouldn’t have to look at him in the eye. “Forever.”

***

“So…” Seungcheol started, and Jeonghan already knew what was coming.

He had been dreading this since their selfie incident.

“Soonyoung got a birthday post.”

Jeonghan tried not to shift his expression, even though the mention of this topic made him the tiniest bit uncomfortable.

Just remembering how _upset_ Seungcheol had looked… how heartbroken.

He was walking on thin ice and he didn’t want to hurt his feelings once again.

At the same time though, he knew exactly where this was going.

And one part of him (the one that he always tried to keep at bay when he was with the members) was already threatening to get mad over this.

To push at Seungcheol’s buttons for his insecurity.

For his insistence.

“Is this about the-”

“How about my birthday?” Seungcheol asked, and even though they had just arrived from dinner, and they weren’t even rooming together, Jeonghan still lingered in Seungcheol’s room.

[Maybe he wanted something of him]

“Do I get a post?” Seungcheol asked, standing in the middle of the room, as he finally took off his mask and hat.

He looked disinterested, as if he didn’t care that much.

But Jeonghan knew better.

And because he was also him, he didn’t give him a straight answer either.

“You know what we’ll be doing in August.” Jeonghan said mildly.

Seungcheol looked surprised, albeit a little taken aback.

It ignited something in Jeonghan’s lower belly.

The two of them waited for a few seconds, the sounds of the AC working overtime, the only ones filling the room.

Anticipation.

They were good at this.

Seungcheol carelessly dropped his phone and wallet on the nearby bed, and walked towards Jeonghan.

He held his breath as Seungcheol crowded him against the door, a sly smile playing on his lips.

And Jeonghan let him, leaning back against it, legs parting a little to welcome him in, hands falling to his sides.

All the submissive angles, just because they liked this push and pull.

Sometimes it was Seungcheol and sometimes Jeonghan.

They both reveled in this.

 _This_ , might be Jeonghan’s favorite part.

“Yeah, and?” Seungcheol asked, playing the fool.

Jeonghan tilted his head, lips hovering against Seungcheol’s.

His heart was beating overtime in his chest, threatening to burst in any moment now.

“And…” He looked into Seungcheol’s eyes for a moment, not missing his pretty eyelashes fluttering as he blinked, his dilated pupils, his red cheeks, his wandering hand against his hip. “And we’ll see.”

Seungcheol smiled.

He _smiled_ , annoyed, fond, disbelieving at the same time, and pulled at the back of Jeonghan’s neck, until their lips clashed on a kiss.

*

Jeonghan didn’t even manage to catch his breath, head lolling against Seungcheol’s shoulder as he came down from his high.

That had been…

_intense_

There was no other way to describe it, so seeing _stars_ was a real thing after all, wasn’t it-

“Come on,” Seungcheol whispered, not pulling back from him, instead he kept stroking Jeonghan’s cock.

Slow, teasing.

_too much_

“ _Ah_ , Cheol,” He warned, hips stuttering, he found it hard to move in tandem with Seungcheol’s strokes, his thighs quivering with the effort to stay in the same seated position.

He was exhausted, _overstimulated_.

Yet Seungcheol still held him firmly on his lap.

 _you’re not going anywhere_ , it meant.

It made Jeonghan’s heart squeeze in his chest.

“One more time.” Seungcheol pressed, his thumb teasing the tip, just to emphasize his point.

 _Fuck_.

Jeonghan _melted,_ biting on his lower lip to keep quiet.

His breath was shallow, his mouth was dry, his legs were wobbly.

Seungcheol’s fingers were slick with his previous orgasm, and every slide of his fingers was both torture and bliss.

Even when it got too much though, he didn’t pull back.

He just clung on Seungcheol for dear life.

[Back in trainee days he had done it metaphorically, and now it was his first time feeling it quite literally]

“Come on,” Seungcheol insisted, pressing gentle kisses all over his cheeks and jaw, teasing the corner of his lips, without kissing him properly.

It was driving him mad.

He desperately shook his head, hips jerking when his sensitive body started to register some small peaks of pleasure again.

 _Still_ , it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t-

“I can't, I can't, I can't, _ah_.” Jeonghan closed his eyes, tears threatening to leave his eyes as he bit on Seungcheol’s shoulder to muffle the sound. " _Seungcheol_ , I can’t.”

“Yes, you can,” Seungcheol said right away, his free arm pressing Jeonghan a little closer, right over his rising erection. Jeonghan let out another broken moan, unlatching from Seungcheol’s shoulder and arching his back.

He couldn’t, there was no way he-

“For me.”

How could Seungcheol play _that_ card, that was unfair.

Jeonghan whimpered, his thighs were burning with the effort of moving up and down and everything felt fuzzy, warm, _too much_ and _not enough_ at the same time.

Seungcheol teased at the tip, again and again and-

_fuck_

Seungcheol implying that he would, just because… just because he…

“Just for me.” Seungcheol added breathlessly, eyes fixed on Jeonghan’s expression.

So Jeonghan did.

And Seungcheol stroked him through it, whispering sweet endearments against his ear.

When he all but sagged against Seungcheol’s chest, hands barely supporting his weight anymore, he finally was able to focus on Seungcheol.

He looked like he had run a marathon, like he had been wrecked instead of him.

Fuck, that was hot.

[When Seungcheol pulled him to another kiss, cleaning the tears Jeonghan had shed with his thumbs, Jeonghan had no choice but to surrender]

*

“Wonwoo will be right back.”

Seungcheol only hummed his agreement, his hair tickling Jeonghan’s neck when he shifted to cuddle closer.

It had been a warning, but clearly Seungcheol was unbothered by it.

Truth was, Jeonghan was a little taken aback by Seungcheol’s reaction.

How could he be so calm about this?

After both of them had taken a shower, Jeonghan had put on his sweatpants and t-shirt again and Seungcheol had dragged him back to bed.

(Yes, Jeonghan had agreed and no, Seungcheol wasn’t wearing any clothes).

Cuddling after sex wasn’t a luxury they could afford, and Jeonghan was worried about the implications this could bring, but for _once_ , for tonight-

 _for me_ , Seungcheol’s voice inevitably went back and forth in his mind.

[Jeonghan fought both the blush on his cheeks and how accustomed he had gotten to Seungcheol’s _sex_ voice]

For _tonight_ , Jeonghan found himself not minding the intimacy.

In the back of his mind though, he worried about them getting caught.

He tried to push it away, enjoy the moment, but he couldn’t.

Their bliss only lasted twenty minutes, and then Jeonghan was standing up, willing to leave the room.

It’s not like they wouldn't know _exactly_ when Wonwoo would come back, and that was a dangerous thing on itself.

“Wait, Jeonghan.” Seungcheol immediately tugged on his wrist, wide awake now, making Jeonghan feel a little guilty for interrupting their peace.“Stay? Wonwoo is in Jihoon’s room. They’re playing, he won’t be back until-”

“Cheol, you know I can’t.” Jeonghan whispered, the pitiful tone Seungcheol used tugging at his heartstrings anyway.

Seungcheol really knew how to get his way with that pout.

“We’ll be sleeping when Wonwoo arrives.” He insisted, effectively breaking Jeonghan’s walls. “It’s not the first time we’ve slept together. It won’t be weird… I won’t make it weird.”

Seungcheol squeezed his wrist one more time.

And Jeonghan was tempted to just stay here, share the warmth after one (two) good orgasms and…

And Seungcheol saying _i won’t make it weird_ , he sounded so… hopeful, so guilty.

It broke Jeonghan’s heart.

If Jeonghan didn’t stay it was because of him only, not Seungcheol’s fault… but instead of saying it, he just let out a small sigh, planting one knee back on the bed.

Seungcheol was visibly _beaming_ , looking almost like a puppy when Jeonghan got under the covers once again.

“Just for tonight.” He whispered against Seungcheol’s chest, but he only got a tighter hug in response.

*

Jeonghan waited until Seungcheol’s breath deepened (but most importantly, Wonwoo’s), and he slowly released himself from his hold, kissing his damp hair before he left the hotel room to head to his own.

[Under the dim light, Wonwoo just pretended not to see the exchange]

***

It had been years since they started traveling overseas, but airports kept unsettling him.

Just bumping into everyone, choosing _appropriate_ airport fashion, trying to ignore the incessant shuttering of cameras heading their way.

Jeonghan found himself in a bad mood. Even though things had gone well in Okinawa, suddenly everything felt _wrong_.

As if he was taking advantage of Seungcheol.

As if he were tricking him.

They could do whatever they wanted in Japan, in foreign fancy hotel rooms.

[Nothing felt _real_ when you were miles away from home, right?]

But just being back home, it brought back the most painful reminder.

_what were they doing_

_what if they got caught_

And just as he opened the door to his room, he found _Joshua_ of all people, sitting on his bed.

It wasn’t unusual, and in any other situation he’d have welcomed him in, ask if anything had happened, or just chill in silence, but _today_ , right now-

“Get out of my bed.” He said mildly, not mad, because no member deserved to be treated like this by him.

(And he hadn’t even been _provoked_ ).

“Why won’t you make me?” Joshua said, eyes glued to his phone.

He was still wearing his black Balenciaga hoodie and Jeonghan tried to bury the sudden feeling of _jealousy_.

He was sure that Joshua and Seungcheol hadn’t even arranged for the matching-hoodie-thing to happen, but still.

The ugly twisting feeling in his stomach just wouldn’t leave.

“Not in the mood.” He said, pulling his phone out of his pocket and dropping his documents on his desk, getting ready to lie for a while and hopefully take a nap. Later on, he’d join Seokmin and Seungkwan for dinner, and he didn’t want to be sleepy. “Get. Out. Of. My. Bed.”

Joshua gave him a small smile and carelessly patted the spot next to him, totally unbothered by Jeonghan’s harsh tone.

“Want me to make you some tea?”

Jeonghan almost rolled his eyes.

Joshua being nice to you when you weren’t being nice to _him_ was one of the reasons Jeonghan hated (loved) him.

“No.”

He said and before Joshua could scoff at him, he dropped heavily on his desk chair, facing the bed.

Joshua was still scrolling through _something_ , not minding his presence that much.

But that wasn’t _fair_ , this was _his_ room and _his_ bed.

And he was _mad_.

“What are you mad about?” Joshua asked, just as if Jeonghan wasn’t infuriated already.

Dumb Joshua.

He always knew what was going on.

(And maybe Jeonghan made it a bit easier for him? Just because it was him).

“Wear matching hoodies with me next time, Shua-ya.”

“You don’t change, do you?” Joshua asked, with a small smile.

Jeonghan knew he was referring to the past years, where he insisted on the members to pick him, to wear matching things, to remind him he was their favorite.

“ _You_ don’t change.” Jeonghan bit back, without missing a beat, and he dropped next to him, (and if he elbowed him in the ribs, it was just an accident, playful banter). “You keep barging in, you’re so rude.”

The only response he got was Joshua rolling his eyes.

Again.

“Just spit it out, Han.” He said, putting down his phone. Okay, that was the sign, time for a serious talk. “What’s got you like this?”

 _Seungcheol_.

Jeonghan tried to gather his thoughts.

There was _one_ thing that kept bugging him.

Making him lose sleep, making him feel _guilty_.

“What…” He started, as casually as he could. This wasn’t a foreign question to them. Back in predebut, this was all they talked about. “What do you want to do in ten years?”

If Joshua was surprised by the question, he hid it well, because he only raised his eyebrows a little and then, after a thoughtful pause, replied.

“We’ll be thirty five, right?” He asked, although Jeonghan knew he wasn’t really expecting an answer. “Probably get married, buy my own house. Maybe travel? Take my mom on vacation too.”

“Yes,” He said, as soon as Joshua was done. “And you’re not the only one.” Jeonghan added, not being able to hide the resentment on his voice.

Still, Joshua didn’t interrupt him.

Probably because he knew he was trying to say something.

To vent.

[Although Jeonghan himself wasn’t sure about _what_ , but Joshua would guide him through it. he was a smart one]

“Minghao said he wanted to get married. Live by the beach.” He continued. “Mingyu might get married too, get a damn dog.”

This time, Joshua’s expression shifted, smile fading.

There was an awkward angle for them to look at each other as they spoke, but even though Joshua was clearly twisting his neck, he didn’t stop meeting his eye.

Not for a second.  

“Then _I_ will get married, live in the countryside, raising cows and growing _cabbages_ with Seokmin and-”

“Han…”

“Then we might see each other in anniversaries or when one of us wants to celebrate something.” He added, tone angrier every time he spoke.

His hand fisting the cover of his bed, hard enough for his knuckles to turn white.

_you really want to do this forever_

“And he’ll probably stay here, wanting to do this _forever_. Waiting for us.” Jeonghan finished, eyes brimming with tears. “Waiting for…”

_forever_

“Waiting for us.” He repeated, in a defeated mumble.

Jeonghan just pressed his face against the pillow, breathing getting heavier by the minute.

_forever_

He couldn’t do this, he just couldn’t, he-

“We’re-we’re going to break his heart, aren’t we?” He whispered, his _own_ heart breaking at the mere thought.

Silence hung in the room.

A heavy presence.

There was so much going unsaid, that Jeonghan wondered if Joshua had understood a word of it.

He never _once_ mentioned Seungcheol, but Joshua must have known, because after a thoughtful pause, Joshua took a deep breath, reaching out to gently caress Jeonghan’s hand.

It _almost_ managed to ground Jeonghan.

“Jeonghan-ah… what is the deal with you and Seungcheol?” Joshua asked softly, no judgement, no inquiry.

And Jeonghan couldn’t take it anymore.

He let out a sob.

Then another one.

Then he couldn’t breathe.

“I…” He tried to come up with an answer, but his mind was _blank_. There was nothing.

No answer could satisfy him enough.

No answer could sum this up.

Hot tears rolled down his cheeks, dampening his favorite pillow, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop.

 _what is it with everyone_ but _me, do you love_ me _, it’s always_ me _, one more time_

_please_

Seungcheol’s expression.

_forever_

**_forever_ **

_do you love me?_

Jeonghan let out a sob, breath stuttering in his throat as he looked up, raising his head from the pillow just enough to be able to speak.

He was scared, terrified to _death_ to say anything. To be sure, because what he’d do _then_?

What was he supposed to do?

“I-I don’t know, Shua.” He confessed, burying on Joshua’s chest this time. “I don’t know.”

Sometimes he wanted this to be back into the way it was, but… at the same time he knew it wasn’t possible, he just…

He didn’t-

When he was around Seungcheol-

“It’s okay,” Joshua whispered, rubbing his back. “It’s okay. It’s just… it’s just Seungcheol, isn’t he? It’ll be okay.”

_it’s just seungcheol_

_why is it always_ me _,_ Seungcheol had asked.

Why _him_?

Jeonghan wasn’t sure he knew the answer either.

“You’ll be okay.” He repeated, when Jeonghan’s crying didn’t subdue. “Both of you will be."  


 

 

It took a long time for Jeonghan to calm down.

(He didn’t even remember when or if he had stopped crying, he had just woken up in a puddle of his own tears).

As soon as he had done it, body stiff and head filled with nothing but self doubt, Joshua was still holding him.

_you’ll be okay_

Right now, in this Seoul dorm, under the name of Seventeen, Yoon Jeonghan would have to believe that.


End file.
